Joe Paterno haters go too far.

In general, I’ve kept my mouth shut about the backlash on Joe Paterno and his tarnished reputation in regard to the Sandusky scandal. The fact is, I don’t really know what happened. And that is not my point here.

I remember when I heard about the death of Saddam Hussein on the news. I recall feeling an ache for human kind. I admit I did not feel sorrow for his death, but neither did I celebrate it. My heart ached over the ugliness in the world. Despite the atrocities committed by Hussein, I never felt a smug delight about his passing as if the horrors of the world should be showered down upon him as I danced with joy. 

When reading articles about Paterno’s health, I was appalled by the comments I read. Comments of “good riddance,” “this is his reward,” “rot in hell” and comparisons to Hitler and Kim Jong-il made me shake my head in confusion and sadness. If the worst said about Paterno is true, it is absolutely tragic. Absolutely. It would mean that a man who did so much good for kids in need also horrifically failed kids in need. But even a failing of this magnitude, in my opinion, would not deserve elation over his death. It does not warrant the pleasure some seem to take in seeing the loss of a fellow human being.

I believe with all my being that it is dangerous ground to let so much hate into your heart. Even the most righteous of anger can be poisonous if one holds on to it too long. I would rather find peace in this moment, cherish my loved ones, and pray for the strength to face the difficult choices in life with honesty and dignity than wrap myself in hatred and scorn. It hurts my heart that so many others embrace the latter.  

Who’s anxious? Me, that’s who.

I struggle with anxiety. In the not-too-distant past, this struggle was what I thought of as typical, run-of-the-mill nervousness about life. We all face moments where circumstances overwhelm and we become less than certain about how to properly deal with them. A couple years ago I dealt with an extremely stressful situation over the course of a week. I struggled to find successful ways to deal with the stress, so it turned into back-to-back anxiety attacks. Prior to this, I never really experienced a panic attack. Afterward, however, panic attacks became more common. It’s as if I passed some threshold and now I am unable to go back.

Because of my vulnerability to panic attacks I attempt to stay away from situations that might cause stress. I pass on movies or books that are too emotional. I plan ahead whenever possible. I make preparation lists for any situation possible. There are usual lists found in a household: groceries, meals, and important dates. I also have lists for goals and organizational lists for household projects. I have packing lists for trips separated by grown-ups and kids that I keep on file (revised for different trips). When cleaning the house I am constantly making and revising lists for what is left for the day. Of course, I know others who do the same thing. Lists are not extreme. But I need these lists to make the tasks less daunting.

Now I am facing a theatre audition for graduate school. I refer to the audition as the American Idol of auditions. Because I am to present a three-minute piece (comprised of two contrasting monologues – one contemporary, one classic) before a three-person panel. This panel decides whether to pass me on to the Final Callbacks (the “Going to Hollywood!” round), which is attended by multiple representatives from graduate programs across the country. If I am not passed on I have the option of auditioning at an Open Call, also attended by graduate program representatives, but perhaps not as “elite” as those in the Final Callbacks group.

This is not my first audition for graduate school. Last year I had an epic fail when I auditioned for Penn State’s program. I attributed my monologues to the wrong play and then obsessed over this fact as I plowed through my pieces. It was ugly. And it took a toll. This year, I hope I am better prepared. I have two monologues I love (though they time longer than three-minutes). I worked with a coach and plan to present them to a group of theatre peers before I head to NYC for the audition at the end of the month.

But the anxiety is tearing me down. My immune system is weak. I have a persistent case of the CRUD: chest congestion, sore throat, and runny nose. I’ve had migraines on and off for the past week. Sunday I discovered I have pinkeye. Yesterday my back went out, and it continues to spasm today. And my blood pressure gets uncomfortably high. I blame anxiety. I blame lack of sleep. I blame my inability to cope with stress effectively.

My biggest issue is the time. I am a rule-follower and the rules say my presentation must fit within three-minutes. Right now it does not. I have many people telling me not to worry about it. It is fine to be cut off; it won’t affect whether I’m passed on. I can’t wrap my head around this, but I know I need to. When I resist the idea of shrugging off the time limit, people seem confused or put off. And I question my ability to be an actor. Maybe it’s a sign? Aren’t actors supposed to push against those rules/guidelines/restrictions?

So here I am. When I talk with others, I am told how my responses are normal. I am told that I am going to do great at the auditions. I am told I need to think of the audition as an opportunity to perform pieces I love. I am told that the panel of judges wants to love me. I am told I must focus on the monologues and “be in the moment” rather than stress about time, acceptance, or the importance of situation. I am aware of all of this and yet my body is telling me “AAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!” My inner voice is screaming, “I can’t do this! I’m not good enough! There’s no way anybody will accept me! I’m going to fail, Fail, FAIL!” I don’t know how to get past these voices. I don’t know how to quiet them. I don’t know how to take hold of the situation so that the anxiety doesn’t crash my system. I don’t know.

But I can tell you this. I am going to that audition. I am presenting those pieces, which I love. I am going to give it my all for that moment. I might be awful. I might be wonderful. I don’t know.

The fact is my body is breaking down. I’m worn. I’m tired. I’m emotional. I’m full of anxiety. I don’t want to be that person who can’t live life because she’s too anxiety-ridden. But I also don’t want to ignore it or blow it off as something less than it is. I don’t have answers, but I’m not giving up. I’m facing it and I’m pushing through. 

What I get for trusting Nolan will stay at pbskids.org

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Dear Kelly V. Photography…

I have very few pictures of my childhood in my possession, and no pictures of me before I was about 3.  Most of the pictures I have (about a dozen of my little sister and me) were given to me about a year ago. My husband has one picture of him as a toddler, and it’s fun to compare that with pictures of our little ones. This partially explains my desire to get some quality pictures of our family, particularly my children.

Yes, it’s cliché, but they really do grow up fast. My oldest is a mere 4 years old, but it seems like he was just born, right? – almost impossible that he should have two younger siblings. I know this phenomenon of feeling time fly by (almost too fast) just escalates with time, and I would love to get a quality picture of my three children in this young stage when they are still fascinated  and delighted by the little things. Each bundle of mine makes my heart melt in a different way. They are all sweet darlings, but their personalities are strikingly different. No matter. They are BEST FRIENDS. My oldest, Nolan, may be bubbly and personable, while my second, Jacob, is more shy and brooding, but no greater joy can be achieved than when they are playing together (and no greater frustration when one has crossed some boundary).  And now we have our precious girl, Moira, to join the fun. The same joy/frustration dynamic is already rearing its head with her presence!

Yes, I can take many pictures of the little ones myself (and oh, how I do!), but I always wanted a family picture. Not necessarily one with a strict pose, but one that includes all of us (both parents included!) enjoying each other. I am so very proud of my family. I feel blessed to the core by each person. Looking at pictures of my little ones and husband extraordinaire, Joshua, makes my insides tingle. But we have so few pictures of all of us. Or pictures with all the faces of my little ones. Or even pictures of Joshua and me (I am the paparazzi of the family).

It would mean so much to have these cherished moments documented by a professional photographer. I’ve seen your incredible work, and again I am filled with warmth when I think of your level of talent used to capture each cherished personality (and let’s face it, CUTENESS GALORE) of my family. Please consider us when looking at families in your contest! I guarantee you could not find a more grateful family!! GUARANTEE.

Best,

Sunam Ellis

New (Self)-Diagnoses

Today I am struck with a severe case of “I Don’t Wanna” (IDW). It was hoped that the illness peaked yesterday when experts posited my symptoms were indicative of “I Would Rather Not” (IWRN) - a milder (and kinder) version of IDW. Here’s what I know…

Once an individual displays IDW mannerisms, s/he demonstrates a decreased sensitivity to grammar, political correctness, etiquette and other social currency. There is currently no information available regarding how contagious this condition might be. Therefore, those in the general vicinity of an IDW individual should proceed with caution. Some studies indicate that individuals who suffer from IDW over an extended period of time sometimes present more severe symptoms, which suggest the IDW evolved into a more intense diagnosis of “Get Out of My Face” (GOMF). Once a GOMF state is reached, association with the individual should be kept at a minimum, as all previously sustained social graces are eradicated at this point. It is also recommended that interaction with GOMF individuals be brief, imperative, and gentle.

Those with extensive experience studying cases of individuals along the IWRN, IDW, and GOMF spectrum usually suggest associates keep a regular supply of quality ice cream (or other delectable treats) readily available, keep any and all “devil’s advocate” argument impulses to one’s self, and focus on topics the individual typically finds joyful and uplifting. Experts warn, however, that platitudes, fake support, and condescending advice might be met with never-before-seen levels of snarky-ness. 

Appropriate Reactions…

There are so many emotions today as our nation reacts to the death of Osama bin Laden. I am brought back to 9/11/2001 and remember my scattered reaction to the events of that horrific morning as the news became increasingly tragic. The surprise attack on American soil was credited to a single man: Osama bin Laden. There was, of course, an instant and intense desire to bring bin Laden to justice. We as a people felt vulnerable and wanted the person in charge to pay for his offense to our country.

Nearly ten years later, bin Laden is finally caught and killed.

I get nervous speaking about topics that involve either politics and/or religions, so I’m rather apprehensive putting my thoughts out there. Please understand that these are my first reactions and I will continue to process for a while…

This morning Joshua told me about the (relatively peaceful) riot that took place downtown State College with five to six thousand people. I’m trying to wrap my head around this. When the Twin Towers came down, there was heavy celebration from those around the world who believed the United States deserved such a drastic attack. I remember this feeling of horror that people who would celebrate such an appalling act.

I understand the differences. The celebrations last night were not in regard to an indiscriminate attack on a nation. Though we haven’t always succeeded in our goal, I know our military strives to keep any fire aimed toward specific individuals of threat. All noted.

That said. I am disturbed by the college riots throughout our country. Is this really how we choose to react to the news? Am I really alone? I have to say that some of the over-the-top celebrations (primarily comprised by college students who were not even teens when the 9/11 attacks occurred) seem strange and unfocused. My skeptical self wonders if this was just another reason to party as a group. I don’t know that this is the best way to react. But perhaps that is just me. Perhaps my reaction is colored by the speed with which college students seem to jump at any reason to riot.

My first reaction to the news was shock. Then I was flooded with the memories and emotions of that day almost 10 years ago – the frustration that Osama bin Laden and his followers deemed that ALL Americans were basically evil and needed to be destroyed. I thought of all the brave military men and women (along with unfortunate victims like Daniel Pearl) who gave their lives to the cause of protecting our country and bringing an end to Al-Qaeda and its terrorist actions.

So now I am processing. I don’t feel like running out into the streets and having a drink with my fellow Americans – especially with several-thousand college students who confuse me with their party-like response. While I am pleased to know that bin Laden is no longer with us, I am also aware that Al-Qaeda will not simply crumble with his death.

I am PROUD of our troops for their perseverance. I am amazed and humbled by their bravery. I celebrate them. I celebrate this victory. But I don’t celebrate with loud, drunken cheers that blood was shed. I celebrate with a (hopefully) dignified salute to a job well done and justice served. My celebration is juxtaposed with a renewed ache for all the people/families who lost so much in 9/11 and the following response by our country. My celebration is hushed, perhaps with a nod to those who stand by me in quiet contemplation of this giant accomplishment (that hopefully brings some people a little closure and/or peace). And my celebration includes concern for what comes next. And as a Christian, I am saddened that bin Laden never understood those he despised so thoroughly. I am saddened he was so consumed by hate that he was unable to see that the general evil persona he placed on all Americans was inaccurate. We have our flaws, but bin Laden’s opinion was extreme. I wish he’d been able see that while he was still on this earth.

I believe I am a minority in my response. I expect some might be confused, frustrated, or angered by my thoughts. Some might counter with arguments of how streets flooded with college students in a drinking frenzy is a completely appropriate and authentic show of celebration for the demise of a villainous personality that’s plagued our nation for a decade.

Like I said earlier, I am still processing the response of our country. I hope we do not take this event lightly, but rather use it to consider our motivations, our hearts, and our general respect for human life.

UPDATE: The more I ponder the situation, the more uncomfortable I am with the word “celebration.” The attack on 9/11 was borne out of hate, and to celebrate one’s death with such fervor also seems to be an action of hate. Neither sit well with me. I do not mourn the passing of Osama bin Laden, but neither do I celebrate it as if celebrating the win of a favorite sports team. 

Therefore, I believe “celebration,” whether outward or inward, incorrectly describes my reaction to the news. Maybe “relieved” is more appropriate (though I am not naive enough to believe that the death of bin Laden means peace). Or perhaps I feel nothing beyond the resurfaced anguish of 9/11.

I am frustrated by extreme (particularly violent) reactions to those we do not agree with, do not understand, or of whom we do not approve. Regardless of my personal beliefs, I do not wish physical/emotional harm to those who do not share my beliefs. So this has been a difficult day of considering and reconsidering the appropriate reaction. It has also been a day of self-evalutation. I feel emotionally un-intelligent, because I’m not sure how to accurately label or describe this mesh of feelings churning within me.

Again, still processing, but I want to officially strike “celebratory” from the potential pool of emotions. I doubt I’ll post any more on the topic. I hope I didn’t offend anybody. And I appreciate the feedback I received from people by phone/facebook/e-mail. You really helped me work through my conflicting thoughts, and I feel better now than I did this morning. So grateful for friends who lovingly encourage, support, and challenge me!