Who’s anxious? Me, that’s who.

I struggle with anxiety. In the not-too-distant past, this struggle was what I thought of as typical, run-of-the-mill nervousness about life. We all face moments where circumstances overwhelm and we become less than certain about how to properly deal with them. A couple years ago I dealt with an extremely stressful situation over the course of a week. I struggled to find successful ways to deal with the stress, so it turned into back-to-back anxiety attacks. Prior to this, I never really experienced a panic attack. Afterward, however, panic attacks became more common. It’s as if I passed some threshold and now I am unable to go back.

Because of my vulnerability to panic attacks I attempt to stay away from situations that might cause stress. I pass on movies or books that are too emotional. I plan ahead whenever possible. I make preparation lists for any situation possible. There are usual lists found in a household: groceries, meals, and important dates. I also have lists for goals and organizational lists for household projects. I have packing lists for trips separated by grown-ups and kids that I keep on file (revised for different trips). When cleaning the house I am constantly making and revising lists for what is left for the day. Of course, I know others who do the same thing. Lists are not extreme. But I need these lists to make the tasks less daunting.

Now I am facing a theatre audition for graduate school. I refer to the audition as the American Idol of auditions. Because I am to present a three-minute piece (comprised of two contrasting monologues – one contemporary, one classic) before a three-person panel. This panel decides whether to pass me on to the Final Callbacks (the “Going to Hollywood!” round), which is attended by multiple representatives from graduate programs across the country. If I am not passed on I have the option of auditioning at an Open Call, also attended by graduate program representatives, but perhaps not as “elite” as those in the Final Callbacks group.

This is not my first audition for graduate school. Last year I had an epic fail when I auditioned for Penn State’s program. I attributed my monologues to the wrong play and then obsessed over this fact as I plowed through my pieces. It was ugly. And it took a toll. This year, I hope I am better prepared. I have two monologues I love (though they time longer than three-minutes). I worked with a coach and plan to present them to a group of theatre peers before I head to NYC for the audition at the end of the month.

But the anxiety is tearing me down. My immune system is weak. I have a persistent case of the CRUD: chest congestion, sore throat, and runny nose. I’ve had migraines on and off for the past week. Sunday I discovered I have pinkeye. Yesterday my back went out, and it continues to spasm today. And my blood pressure gets uncomfortably high. I blame anxiety. I blame lack of sleep. I blame my inability to cope with stress effectively.

My biggest issue is the time. I am a rule-follower and the rules say my presentation must fit within three-minutes. Right now it does not. I have many people telling me not to worry about it. It is fine to be cut off; it won’t affect whether I’m passed on. I can’t wrap my head around this, but I know I need to. When I resist the idea of shrugging off the time limit, people seem confused or put off. And I question my ability to be an actor. Maybe it’s a sign? Aren’t actors supposed to push against those rules/guidelines/restrictions?

So here I am. When I talk with others, I am told how my responses are normal. I am told that I am going to do great at the auditions. I am told I need to think of the audition as an opportunity to perform pieces I love. I am told that the panel of judges wants to love me. I am told I must focus on the monologues and “be in the moment” rather than stress about time, acceptance, or the importance of situation. I am aware of all of this and yet my body is telling me “AAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!” My inner voice is screaming, “I can’t do this! I’m not good enough! There’s no way anybody will accept me! I’m going to fail, Fail, FAIL!” I don’t know how to get past these voices. I don’t know how to quiet them. I don’t know how to take hold of the situation so that the anxiety doesn’t crash my system. I don’t know.

But I can tell you this. I am going to that audition. I am presenting those pieces, which I love. I am going to give it my all for that moment. I might be awful. I might be wonderful. I don’t know.

The fact is my body is breaking down. I’m worn. I’m tired. I’m emotional. I’m full of anxiety. I don’t want to be that person who can’t live life because she’s too anxiety-ridden. But I also don’t want to ignore it or blow it off as something less than it is. I don’t have answers, but I’m not giving up. I’m facing it and I’m pushing through.