New (Self)-Diagnoses

Today I am struck with a severe case of “I Don’t Wanna” (IDW). It was hoped that the illness peaked yesterday when experts posited my symptoms were indicative of “I Would Rather Not” (IWRN) - a milder (and kinder) version of IDW. Here’s what I know…

Once an individual displays IDW mannerisms, s/he demonstrates a decreased sensitivity to grammar, political correctness, etiquette and other social currency. There is currently no information available regarding how contagious this condition might be. Therefore, those in the general vicinity of an IDW individual should proceed with caution. Some studies indicate that individuals who suffer from IDW over an extended period of time sometimes present more severe symptoms, which suggest the IDW evolved into a more intense diagnosis of “Get Out of My Face” (GOMF). Once a GOMF state is reached, association with the individual should be kept at a minimum, as all previously sustained social graces are eradicated at this point. It is also recommended that interaction with GOMF individuals be brief, imperative, and gentle.

Those with extensive experience studying cases of individuals along the IWRN, IDW, and GOMF spectrum usually suggest associates keep a regular supply of quality ice cream (or other delectable treats) readily available, keep any and all “devil’s advocate” argument impulses to one’s self, and focus on topics the individual typically finds joyful and uplifting. Experts warn, however, that platitudes, fake support, and condescending advice might be met with never-before-seen levels of snarky-ness.